You’ve finished a delectable meal that you enjoyed with a group of your closest friends. Dinner’s bill is dropped in the middle of the table by the gliding waiter. Everyone looks around and motions to reach for the check at that precise moment.
Who should make the payment? You? Is there another person in charge?
Going out to eat can be a fun experience and tradition, whether it’s for casual conversation or to mark a special occasion. However, there is frequently a small amount of anxiety present when guests are unsure of who is responsible for what costs.
There are actually no set rules that apply to every situation; instead, a lot depends on the dynamics of the gathering, the event that brought you together, and nuances of status and relationship. However, there are good etiquette rules to adhere to that can guide your decisions; we’ve listed them below in relation to various situations.
The Most Beneficial Guideline to Follow
While we’ll go over the specifics of each scenario below, one of the most useful and universal rules to remember is that if you do the inviting or are in charge of putting together a dinner party, you’re acting as the host, and you should usually be the one to pay. If, on the other hand, you were invited to dinner, you are the guest, and you are much less likely to be responsible for paying the bill. And if an event was created through mutual consent, everyone is likely to go Dutch.
Dining With Friends
Group of pals
The best way to handle the bill when a big, mixed group of friends goes out to dinner — that is, couples, singles, etc. — is to let each party pay for themselves. Couples will pay for their two meals; singles will pay separately. Etiquette convention dictates that the bill be divided equally among all parties. In my experience, everyone is perfectly fine with just paying for what they each ate and drank, and then splitting anything that was shared, especially in younger friendship circles. This way, there won’t be any feelings of worry or resentment about whether someone on a tight budget ordered a sandwich or a steak and bottle of wine. Let the waiter/waitress know up front that each person/couple will require a separate check and where the dividing lines will fall to avoid having to separate out the entire bill after you finish your meal.
One exception to this rule is if a friend extends an invitation to dinner to the entire group using language such as “I’d like to take you all out to eat” or “my treat.”
Two or three parties/couples
I use this as an example because it happens frequently enough, especially as people age, get paired off, and form smaller friendship groups. If you have a close group of friends, you might regularly get together for dinner and develop a routine for splitting the tab.
For very close friends who go out to eat frequently, one common practice is for one couple or party to foot the bill with the understanding that the other will do so the following time.
Another alternative is for each party to just cover their own expenses. Or, if everyone’s income levels are fairly similar, splitting equally usually works out just fine, especially if you frequently eat out so that any discrepancies—like someone occasionally ordering more expensive food—work themselves out.
You obviously don’t want to split the bill in half if you’re dining with a single person or people or if you know your friends are on a budget. Here, you can split the payment when the bill arrives or request separate checks up front. It’s acceptable to offer to pay occasionally as well if you’ve extended the invitation and it’s a sit-down restaurant rather than a fast food establishment. Unless you offer every time and assume they will never be able to pay their share, it is not patronizing. (If, however, that friend starts making assumptions that you’ll pay, it’s okay to set boundaries and make clear that you won’t always foot the bill, just occasionally when you’ve extended the invitation.)
The “rules” are fairly simple when two guys are gathering for a meal. You can either just cover your own expenses or one friend can pay the bill and say, “You can get the bill next time!”
When a man and a woman are involved, things get a little more complicated. If it’s a real date, the man should always make the payment (unless the gal really fights it; in that case, split it).
Splitting the bill or trading off who pays the bill is perfectly acceptable if you’re just out as friends and it’s obvious to both of you that there is nothing more than that.
You’ll likely both be aware of it if the relationship is a little ambiguous, and there are a few ways to handle it. One, you can request separate checks right away from the waiter. This will show that you want the relationship to be friendly-only. Offer to pay the bill at the end as a sort of indicator that you are more interested than that. And if she insists on breaking up with you, consider it a sign for yourself that perhaps she is only interested in friendship.
When one of the parties is commemorating a birthday (or other festive occasion, such as an anniversary, new job, promotion, etc.), all of these rules are suspended. When friends of the birthday person organized a dinner outing and are thus serving as the “hosts,” many groups will decide to have the birthday person forego paying for their meal. When the birthday person is single, it’s especially customary for friends to treat them because it’s simple to split the bill.
It’s a little murkier if the birthday person is a couple, but what usually happens is that both of the couple’s meals are paid for by their friends rather than attempting to split the bill into separate bills and only treating the birthday person.
Of course, some people obstinately demand to treat their entire group on their birthday. Especially as you get older and everyone has established careers, you might think about offering to pay for the group if you’re celebrating your birthday with a dinner out with friends. If you want to make it clear that this is your intention, use language like “I’d love to take our friends out to eat” or “Let’s go out for my birthday — my treat” when you send them an invitation.
Going Dutch and covering everyone’s expenses is a third choice.
You simply need to be aware enough to read the room and understand your friend group dynamics, as you would in the majority of these situations.
Last but not least, don’t stress if your income prevents you from contributing to or purchasing a meal for a friend’s birthday. They undoubtedly comprehend and value your attendance at their celebration.
Dinner with the Family
When you go out to eat with your parents, who pays the bill is largely determined by age and family dynamics.
It’s probably not necessary to offer to pay when you’re younger, in college or earlier, unless there’s a special occasion or you simply want to treat your parents. When you get a job, you may discover that your parents still insist on picking up the tab. However, turning the table and paying for your parents’ dinner is a nice milestone once you’ve become financially stable. Most won’t mind; in fact, they’ll be proud that all their hard work raising you has finally paid off, and you’re now an independent adult who can help them out a little.
When everyone is a little older — you’re married and possibly have children — your parents will probably be fine with you taking your family’s share of the bill and possibly treating them as well, and you should definitely offer to do so. Your parents, on the other hand, may always insist on paying for you when you dine out.
Dining out’s geography also plays a role. If you live in different towns and are visiting, they may pay the bill because you are on their turf. When they come to visit you, it’s nice to offer to pay for them.
In most cases, you simply need to read the situation, understand your parent/family dynamics, and do your best to navigate.
While some of the guidelines for dining with your in-laws are the same as those mentioned above, there are a few different scenarios/dynamics to be aware of. When it comes to the bill, dining with the in-laws doesn’t put much pressure on the ladies. A future or current daughter-in-law will never be expected to pick up the tab or even deal with paying the bill, unless she is dining with her in-laws alone. (In that case, she should offer to pay her share — or, if she’s feeling generous, theirs as well — but she shouldn’t be surprised or fight back too hard if her in-laws insist on paying the entire bill.)
Dining out with his wife’s (or girlfriend’s) parents, on the other hand, can be a little more awkward for the fella. In many cases, as with your own parents, the in-laws will simply pay for the meal and it will not be a problem. You don’t have to offer to pay your share every time, especially once this becomes a habit, but it certainly doesn’t hurt.
However, in the early stages of the relationship, before norms are established, you may want to offer to pay your share, or even the entire bill, to demonstrate that you are a responsible adult capable of providing for their daughter. If your offer is rejected, don’t be too concerned or fight it too hard. If your offer is accepted, you must continue to offer to pay your share for future gatherings unless other rules are established.
Everyone can pay their own way when dining out with siblings who are all adults with jobs (this usually includes college students as well). There is no etiquette rule that says the tab should be picked up by a specific party unless there is a special occasion or one of you is feeling generous.
This is entirely determined by your aunts and uncles. If you have a close relationship, such as a godfather or a special relative, they will most likely offer to pay. But don’t expect it, and always offer to pay your fair share.
Dining with colleagues
You almost always get paid for company events, or at the very least, reimbursed for your meal. But sometimes it’s difficult to define what counts as a “work” meal. Is eating lunch with coworkers considered? Probably not. Consider going out to lunch with your boss. Possibly.
When you go out to eat with coworkers who are above you in the organizational structure, each person covers their own expenses. That is fairly clear-cut.
Even if it’s just for lunch and not for business, a supervisor will frequently pick up the check as a company expense. Although it’s not always the case, this is generally the case among the business people I know. Having said that, never anticipate it and always offer to contribute your fair share. (The exception is when it is obviously business-related, such as when you are out with a client or conducting an annual review.) You are not required to offer in those circumstances.)
How Much to Fight in Order to Pay the Bill
If two or more dining companions believe it is their duty or privilege to pay the bill, a friendly but awkward back-and-forth may ensue as each insists on handing over their credit card to the waiter. Don’t let this confrontation devolve into a spectacle or a struggle. If someone reaches for the check and you prefer to pay it yourself, express your preference warmly, sincerely, and firmly. If the other party insists on paying with equal sincerity and firmness, politely ask, “Are you sure?” Then, when they invariably confirm that they are certain, simply grant their wishes, thanking them for their generosity and kind gesture while maintaining your mastery of the art of poise.