We all know that guy. The extreme douchebag, the dude that wears his shirt one-button-too-open, his pants one number too small and lets his curly chest hair show. The dude who tries to hit on underage girls. The one who uses industrial amounts of perfume and product. The one whose sunglasses are still on his face during parties. Because he’s that cool.

That guy? Don’t be that guy.


Here’s a handy list of what not to do. Don’t:

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  • Crash a party, drink all the remaining alcohol and puke in the host’s flowers.
  • Pass out in your own vomit.
  • Hit on girls with lines like: ‘Great legs… what time do they open?’
  • Break stuff. That’s never cool.
  • Forget where you live and end up in the girls’ dorms.
  • Take your clothes off.
  • Fall asleep in the shower cabin. Standing.
  • Change the entire playlist with songs only you like. Put them on repeat.
  • Keep telling the host that the *insert-name-here* party was way cooler than this one.
  • Order 20 pizzas and ditch the bill.
  • Go into the bathroom and try all the products from the cabinets. Put those you like best in your pockets… for safe-keeping.
  • Have sex in the host’s bed. Leave stains on the sheets.
  • Use the lampshade as a hat.
  • Draw things on the walls using a permanent marker. (unless they’re cool things, in which case you’re almost excused)
  • Climb on the roof and yell ‘I am a golden God.’ Chances are there might not be a swimming pool to jump in and you’ll break something.

Amusing tips aside, the ‘party douchebag’ really exists. He’s out there, waiting to crash parties and ruin them with his ‘swag’ *word used here ironically, with a hint of disgust*. When encountering such a specimen, immediate action should be taken towards the removing said specimen from sight.

Happy partying!